Category Archives: horses, dogs & more

Apr17

wandering in the dark

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For three years we have had our house on the market.  I was going to write that we had been trying to sell it, but that would not be exactly true.  We love our home.  We have actually, probably been trying to avoid selling it.  But the time has truly come when it is not avoidable.  It has to happen.  Soon.

That has thrown me into a chaos of terror and sorrow.  Pam said that maybe the problem is that neither of us could imagine anything better.  So moving forward feels bad.  Feels like loss and capitulation and more loss.

On top of that, I need to find a new home for Amadeo, the beautiful, talented, complicated Andalusian that I no longer ride.  I want a horse-mommy or daddy for him that is a good, kind, wise fit.  Deo and I have have a terrifically long, fraught relationship.  Bottom line, I love him, but I am not a good rider for him, and he has a strong desire to do his work.  So hello out there . . .

With all of this turmoil, there is this: in order to move forward, I have to make a picture of something delicious, inviting, hopeful.  I cannot do that at the moment.  But I can imagine doing it, and that is a beginning.

 

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Apr16

horse medicine

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After lunch yesterday with Jon and Maria, Jon told me that he still didn’t know what I do every day, reading my blog.  He also said that he didn’t feel like he knew much about me. He likes the blogs, likes the writing, but wants to feel more of me there.  “Caught,” I thought.

The conversation came around to hiding, to fear.  I talked about not wanting people to know too much of my life.  “Why?’ he said.  I thought that I might burst into tears. The feeling was like the moment before an avalanche.  A huge cliff of hanging snow about to plunge down the mountain, obliterating everything before it.  “I am afraid,” I answered.

“Why?” he asked again.  I talked about the kind of fear and vigilance that I carry.  Twenty-six years married to the same woman.  The love of my life.  And in the world, I walk around with this mantle of fear and caution.  Not all the time, but often.  It seeps into my writing.  It colors how much I will say, how much of myself I will show.

I didn’t talk about age, or even about how I hide my age. I will talk about it later.  I am not sure how much of the fear and hiding I can unravel in one post.

I think that is why I loved being with Rocky. Why I love my horses, Capprichio, Amadeo and Sanne, and why I spend time every week with Nelson.  They do not care about any of that.  They care that I am there, that I am present with them.  And when I am with them, I don’t care about any of those things either.  It all falls away.  Dissolved in love and in the moment.

 

Apr16

love day

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Today Pam and I drove up to visit Bedlam Farm, home of Jon Katz and Maria Wulf.  Our friendship with these two amazing people has grown over the past few months.  Jon is an inspiration and a mentor for me, a budding blogger and writer.  With some trepidation I had asked him to look at a couple chapters of my book, Horse Dancing:  Artists, the body and the bond between horses and humans.  He is pushing me to show myself more, to open more, to step out of the shadows.  I thought I was.  I can see now that I am not, that there is more to show, more to share.

I also wanted to meet Rocky, the 30-year old pony that lives at the future Bedlam Farm.  Jon has posted some beautiful photos of Rocky with me today on his Facebook page and his blog.  To me, Rocky felt like the sleeping prince waiting to be kissed to awaken.  Jon and Maria had been giving him some soft kisses, but Rocky needed a big smooch to wake up.  He has been alone for a long time.

This is what I loved about today, what broke my heart open.  He was ready.  Not that he had just been hanging around waiting, but when he was touched, really handled, it was as if his body remembered all of that and opened to it like a flower in the sun.  I think that is a testament to how deeply he has been loved.  He became animated, eager and responsive with his herd of four humans.

Nelson, the mustang that I work with is like this now.  He wants to be with.  He is relaxed and happy, interested in whatever the next thing is. His life feels pretty good to him now.

I think this is what we all want, each of us in our own way.  To be with, to be touched, to be cherished, to be one.  I know it is what I want.  I am not always able to express that.  I don’t always give myself over to being loved the way Rocky did today.  That is his gift to me today.

Maria said that usually after his apple and a bit of brushing, Rocky wanders away. She said that was a relief, because it marked an end to their mutual commitment.  Rocky was wandering off because there wasn’t a compelling reason to stay.  Now he will stay.  And so will they.  He has felt us, and he knows there is more.  More love, more connection, more of all of us.

Apr14

breakfast in bed

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 Nelson in his food nest.

This week when I arrived, Nelson was actually flat on his side, basking in the sun.  By the time I got my camera out with the long lens, he knew something was up and stood up to see who was hanging outside of his fence.  This photo was sent to me by my friend Michele, from earlier last week.