The pregnancy of our young, very naive daughter has an astrological name:  quincunx.  Our astrologer of over twenty years describes a quincunx as something unexpected, out of our control, bringing about change.  That would be about right.  On this astrology site, I found this description of a quincunx:

A quincunx is often described as “being between a rock and a hard place.” Therefore, the quincunx is described as a “hard” aspect, meaning it brings challenge. And challenges eventually build a stronger character. Through your own inflexibility, the quincunx will teach you to either “bend” or “break.” Either way, you’ll learn. And whether you learn the easy way or the hard way is certainly up to you.

A quincunx is thought to be one of the most difficult aspects to work with because it will not allow for retreat. There’s no backing down when it comes to this aspect because you can’t just think your way out of it, you have to take action on those thoughts. The quincunx will challenge you to trust your own intuition. Intuition is a very big deal when it comes to quincunx’.

So the choice with this is to bend or break.  I am bending.  I have no intention of breaking.  But this bending is a form of contortion at a time when I am feeling a bit stiff. Maybe parents’ hopes and dreams are always like that – a stiffening against the out-of-control, the unwanted.

My hope is that this current quincunx will break me open into spaciousness and love like this quote from Alice Walker:

Hearts are there to be broken, and I say that because that seems to be just part of what happens with hearts.  I mean, mine has been broken so many times that I have lost count.  But it just seems to be broken open more and more and more, and it just gets bigger.  In fact, I was saying to my therapist not long ago, “You know, my heart by now feels like it has just sort of dropped open, you know, like how a big suitcase falls open.  It feels like that.”  Instead of that feeling of having a thorn through your heart, you have a sense of openness, as if the wind could blow through it.  And that’s the way I’m used to my heart feeling.  The feeling of the heart being so open that the wind blows through it.

Alice Walker, Shambhala Sun, January 1997